Change sucks. The word gives me anxiety as I’m typing it out now. And yet, the past 11 months have been full of it. After 4 majors, 3 schools and 7 years, I’ve finally graduated college with a BA in Fashion Merchandising and Management. I worked my way into an in-office marketing internship with CollegeFashionista (a company I was devoted to at the time) which brought me to a new city and a second internship with the most amazing PR company ever, Bollare. I discovered my passion for digital marketing which has led to a work from home position of my dreams. I’ve developed my blog from a hobby to a part time job and have watched my self grow so much over the last year, but it’s also been an extremely challenging and anxious time.
I ended my six month internship with Bollare in late August and have been spending time with family on the shore ever since, focusing on my blog and up until the last 2 weeks, school work. A lot of people probably wonder why I haven’t been in the city much recently, and to be honest I needed a break. I had never lived anywhere besides rural Frederick, MD and city life was a literal culture shock for me. Frederick’s “downtown”, and my D.C. experiences are nothing compared to how different of a world NYC is, especially in the summer. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love the city and have had an amazing experience there so far, which I’m so fortunate to have. But living the NYC lifestyle just got overwhelming and was leaving me feeling bitter, discouraged and alone. At one point I had 2 internships, on top of 3 online classes and my personal blog, all while trying to balance the pressures of living in a new city and making friends/creating a social life. After my internship was up I started to realize how exhausted and uninspired I actually was. I dreaded being in a city so far from home, feeling so alone and so confused as to what my next step was. I was lucky to know a few people who lived in the city when I first moved. NYC is so hectic and so big though, scheduling time to see each other and meet up was a huge challenge and not something I was used to, moving straight out of off campus apartments, surrounded by my friends in Salisbury.
In all honesty, It was disappointing to me because I felt like I had let myself (and everyone else) down. Here I was in the greatest city of all, on the verge of pursuing my dreams and I felt like I just didn't have what it took to compete with everyone else and was lacking the inspiration and drive I had when I first moved to the city. I felt like so many people would kill to be where I was and here I was blowing it, which scared me even more. I didn't want to have a problem with the city, or look back on this part of my life and think I wasted one of the best opportunities I've ever had, after all I chose to move to NYC and follow my goals for a reason. The inspiration was just gone and I felt stuck, and with my lease coming to an end I didn’t know what to do. I knew that if I moved back home and didn’t renew my lease, there was a good chance I wouldn’t ever move back to the city or have this experience again.
Luckily for me, I have an amazing family who supports and believes in my dreams, even when I don’t. I was also extremely fortunate enough to be in a financial position where I was able to come home and spend the time I needed on the shore, while also renewing my apartment lease for another 6 months and still having my life in the city. I was (and still am) able to spend my weekend’s and time off where I feel the happiest, on the water and with my family and friends and then I would go back to the city for events and projects, like Fashion Week, or when I felt like I needed a night or two in my own space. Living this back and forth lifestyle can definitely be overwhelming and had its downsides, like missing out on certain events and friend meet-ups because I can't be in two places at once. However, it also gave me the freedom and time I needed to be able to find myself and my inspiration again so I can make the most of these next 6 months and really submerse myself in all the city has to offer me.
I realized that its okay to admit you don't know what you're doing and its normal to feel a little lost. Just remember, Its never to late to change something or start over. Life is to short to live with regrets and look back and wish you had done something differently. So allow yourself the time and space to breathe. Don't afraid to push pause and take the time you need to find your goals and passions again. It's okay to be scared and its okay to not know what to do all the time, just have a little faith, keep pushing towards your goals and watch how a fresh viewpoint can reposition your life!